A week of flying children and soft landings

Eli, 3, lands in his Dad's hands after a flying high.

Eli, 3, lands in his Dad’s hands after a flying high.

Later, as the photos showed, Eli was not comfortable with getting his wish.

“Me next!” he’d shouted after watching his father throw his little sister high into the air. She’d landed each time in her father’s strong hands with glee on her face and giggles that said: Again! Again!

Of course I’d taken photos. That’s what I do. In my life I seem to fear losing the sweet memories of family because they’re rare these days. So if it happens in my presence, my Nikon and I go to work. And being home in the Shenandoah Valley for 10 days meant grabbing hold of every moment of family that I could get. It wouldn’t be long before I would be back in Port-au-Prince in my role as a mission co-worker with the Presbyterian Church (USA).

Justin was grinning along with the rest of us as he tossed Violet, 18 months old, into the air, I don’t know, 50 gazillion times. He’s tall and strong, so he wasn’t showing any wear. But when 3-year-old (a big 3) Eli and Ella, 6, wanted in on the action, he smartly took a breather.

“OK,” he said. “First one into pajamas and back out here goes first.” The bigger kids scampered into the house while Violet sat calmly in Justin’s arms. He put her on the ground and stretched his arms. In about that much time, Ella had raced back onto the deck screaming that she was first.

You’ve got to love kids. Within seconds, Eli was out in his jammies and watching his sister get ready to take the highflying leap.

I took my place behind Justin, who looked over his shoulder at me. “Get the picture,” he said. “I’m only going to be able to do this once.”

To Ella, he said: “OK, you need to jump, too, OK?”

In the quick procession of pics I took, I saw that, while he waited, Eli stepped uneasily from one side to the other. While he shifted his weight to each foot, his arms went up like a bird’s wings, then slowly back his side.

The seemingly fearless little guy was nervous!

With her Dad’s coaching words still in her ears, Ella squatted a bit, then jumped and Justin lifted and ….

Up she went! High into the air! And down she came, landing softly into Dad’s waiting hands.

Waiting anxiously was little brother.

Just like his Dad requested, while Justin’s hands were under Eli’s arms, Eli jumped, Justin lifted and there he went – up, up, up!

And down. And just as he was safely lowered to the ground — in tears.

“It scared me!” he cried. And he ran up the stairs to the deck and onto his Grandma’s lap.

I knew I’d gotten the pics, and as I passed my sister, Peggy, and Eli, I heard her softly saying: “I know that scared you, Eli. You went up so high!

“But your Daddy caught you. Your Daddy will always catch you. Your Daddy will ALWAYS catch you.”

It’s been almost two weeks now. I have the photos and so many more. I’m back in Haiti, and I look through them often, remembering those large moments of family and small moments of love.

Here in Haiti my colleagues and I serve God in trying to help the people here better their lives. We couldn’t do it without our faith. We couldn’t do without the care and love and support of so many.

And we couldn’t do it without knowing — and sharing — the steadfast knowledge that as high as we are tossed, whether it’s what we want, we will land safely.

Our Father has caught us.

Our Father will always catch us.

From brokenness to masterpiece

The driveway of Trinity Lodge, Port-au-Prince, Haiti.

The driveway of Trinity Lodge, Port-au-Prince, Haiti.

As he prepares to marry Dorothie, Pere Wilky Avril embraces her father during the wedding at St. Trinity Episcopal Cathedral, Port-au-Prince, Haiti, on May 1, 2014.

As he prepares to marry Dorothie, Pere Wilky Avril embraces her father during the wedding at St. Trinity Episcopal Cathedral, Port-au-Prince, Haiti, on May 1, 2014.

How do you do it? How do you cope with all that you see?

She was talking about the desperate poverty here in Haiti.

We were sitting on the great porch at the Hotel Oloffson in Port-au-Prince. I could see that she was trying to make sense of the troubles she’d seen here. “I’m processing,” she had said.

So then, as our dinner and general catching-up came to an end, she told me what she had seen. Her small nonprofit helps Haitians students go to school. She travels to Haiti twice or three times a year. She’s visited schools here, met people in communities, learned their names and been greeted with enthusiasm each time she’s returned to Haiti.

On this latest trip, though, she’d traveled beyond the schools and communities. She wanted to visit with a high school student who is a scholarship recipient. The girl was ill, so my friend was invited into her family’s home.

Forget your images of humble. Or modest. Most families here live in either cement block or wooden houses, two or three rooms at most. Windows are tiny. Doors are narrow. The floors, no matter how often they’re scrubbed, appear dirty. There are sheer curtains hanging there for privacy and to keep out the prevalent dust, but chickens still wander through.

Many people sleep in these small homes. The separate kitchen nearby serves as a place where women prepare meals and where neighbors and relatives often gather to chat.

The young girl my friend was visiting was in the throes of Chikungunya, the virus so many people in the Caribbean have suffered through. Even though she was feverish and achy, the girl came out to visit, to thank my friend for the precious gift of education.

And as she walked away, my friend was steamrolled by emotions: Guilt mixed with something close to but not quite pity is a powerful cocktail. We’ve all felt it, often more than once. We do not realize we are economically wealthy until we see how the world’s poor live.

It requires processing.

“So HOW do you do it?” she asked me again. “What do you do with all of this?”

I’m sure I gave her some lame response like: “I understand that together we can make a difference.” But I kept thinking about that question. And wondering.

How DO I cope with it?

As I write this, I think, “Not well.”

It catches up to me — this work, this mission, this obligation and joy. What follows are some thoughts on all of it. Only one thing is clear to me, a mission worker who still often wonders how she ended up in this gig: We are sent here to witness and tell the story. We are sent here neither to wallow in nor disregard the near constant mixture of beauty and pain.

We are here to be with others and to draw even more to come along on the journey.

We all are broken. We all need Christ. And one another.

Broken people. If you make the effort to open your heart along with your eyes, you will see them. And you will see yourself in them. They stand in the shadows, and they stand right beside you. Listen, and you will hear.

But hold onto your heart. Don’t close it off. Don’t protect it. Embrace yourself while you embrace others. Just as there is beauty amid heartache, there is a solace amid the pain. It takes strength to acknowledge it and courage to share it.

It hurts, this work. Poverty is everywhere, and while I walk through my new city and witness its pain, I carry bits of it home with me.

Then, what? Just what am I supposed to do with this? Witnessing the world’s brokenness is like touching a hot stove. Your first instinct is to yank yourself away from it and care for your own hurt.

My more finely tuned instincts tell me to hold on, feel what I feel and share it.

We can’t afford to ignore that pain or store it away. I can’t.

I remember all of those who stand by me in my own pain, feeling the white hot sensation of my hurt. They stay beside me and carry bits of my burning pain, taking part of the load from my fragile being.

So I see and feel the brokenness. I hold hands and touch faces until I see the beauty within again. I do my best to alleviate pain and suffering by sharing it, carrying it, telling stories of it in the hopes that someone who hears and feels can carry it further.

Maybe even carry it away?

It makes no sense that some of us have much and some of us have so little.

Why can I, when I fall ill, almost immediately be cared for and given adequate medical care while others fall into misery and lie there looking up?

It makes no sense at all.

So what I believe now more than ever is that those of us who have much are here to share and carry and alleviate the suffering of others.

It’s been a season of brokenness here in Haiti for me. In May, I passed the one-year mark of being here. I remember those early months of excitement and newness and finding solace in the rich, gorgeous landscapes of rugged mountains, finely rowed gardens, lightning quick grins.

Oh yes, I saw the pain. I heard the cries for hunger. I recognized the signs — the gesture of cutting a throat to signify a need for food or the rubbing of a belly. And, of course, I know the history of hunger in this beautiful place.

But those first months – wow – I just steeped myself in the beauty. I FELT the beauty. My heart filled when while driving on a dusty, hard road in the mountains we turn a corner and see majestic hillsides filled with gardens.

When we see low-lying clouds lifting from the green landscapes.

When we see small children running toward the vehicle because they know visitors might bring toys.

I take those photos and share them and say: THIS is Haiti!

Then, those gestures, the haggard looks of hard-working mothers and the dusty faces of children came back into focus.

This time, with a thud.

And this time, I see clearly, the brokenness not only of our dear brothers and sisters in Haiti, but also of those who visit with us. Something about being here, in this Land of Contrasts where beauty and pain co-mingle, shines on all our vulnerabilities. As  Americans, often our compulsive desire (and opportunity) to collect stuff wins out over our desire to let go. It doesn’t take long to see a different way of living here.

But first, the brokenness shows. Or, because I am suddenly more likely to recognize my own, I now can see it more clearly.

At Trinity Lodge, my favorite guesthouse here, the walkway in front is made of broken tiles. It was cheaper to repurpose the tiles, joked guesthouse owner Daniel Jean-Louis when I told him how much I liked it. Maybe.

But the broken pieces of tiles laid together in the spirit of reuse you see all over Haiti represent the mosaic of relationships I find here. Without the safety net of government social programs, relatives depend on one another. Friends seek out each other when a need arises. The fabric of Haiti’s lower echelon of society is constructed of people depending upon one another — family, friends and strangers alike. And if you are lucky, you’re invited into this complex and hospitable network. You are needed. And you will depend on others.

The Luc Celestin family, who took me in my first month living in Haiti, share such stories with me. When Mama Luc was alive, she worried every day about all eight of her kids. When the older ones moved to Port-au-Prince to study or find work, she called each one every day, several times a day.

She would ask each one if they had eaten.

“If we said no, she wouldn’t eat either,” her son, Herns, told me. “She would say that if her children didn’t have food, she wouldn’t eat either.”

Most every day, one of Mama Luc’s children will call me.

They ask me if I have eaten.

A recent visitor to Haiti asked me how most Haitians make money. “It looks like they spend all their time selling things to each other.”

That might be true. Selling at the market or one to another is common. If you need something in Haiti, most likely you will find it somewhere. It’s a local economy at its simplest.

I attended a wedding not long ago. I first met Wilky Avril in 2010 when he was a seminarian, and in March, I attended the Mass where he was ordained an Episcopal priest. On May 1, he married his sweetheart, Dorothie. As her father presented Dorothie to Wilky, this lovely young priest embraced his new father-in-law.

On his face during that embrace, I could see his immense gratitude for the gift of his wife.

In marriage, family, friendships and even in the larger society, our greatest gifts are one another.

We all know that we need one another, but in a place like Haiti, that need is so evident. Americans value independence. Haitians value interdependence.

We have so much to learn.

Like the mosaic of broken tiles cemented into a strong and beautiful entryway to a comfortable guesthouse, we offer our broken parts and seal them together with one anothers’. Like the mixture of dust and sand makes cement, the mélange of our joys and sorrows is what bonds us as humans sharing the journey called Life.

And through all of this, we seek to be — and often are — healed.


Living 101

Denise Gideon of California shares time with her friend, Sondya, 9.

Denise Gideon of California shares time with her friend, Sondya, 9. Denise is a frequent visitor to Haiti, and it is easy to see that she finds much joy along the way.

I just heard a story about a woman in Haiti who had lost her hearing. She was able to study in Switzerland. While she was there, she learned to speech read — she could tell what you were saying simply by watching you closely.

My friend who told me this story said this woman, who was his landlady, knew all the news in town.

She sat on her balcony and watched the people on the streets and yards below.

She carefully watched. It was how she listened. And learned.

Aha. Yet another lesson in life — be careful what you say (even to yourself!) Someone might be watching!

This story reminds me to watch and listen to others, and as I seek to make a better life, I try to pay attention to how others live.

I once heard that if you want to improve your tennis game, play with people who are better than you.
This is true in life as well. I am fortunate to be surrounded by people who live well. Some of them, yes, are better educated, have high ranking professional jobs and many serve in ministry. Formally serve in ministry.

And just as many would find themselves surprised to be on my “Life Anyone?” list of companions.

Some work in hourly jobs, making the best of a high school education.

Some haven’t finished high school.

Some work hard at home raising their children.

Some were born in the United States. Others were born in Haiti or Canada or elsewhere.

Some suffer from eye strain from too many hours in front of a computer.

Some bear callouses from working with tools or machinery.

Some are missing limbs or bear other scars from disaster.

Some bear scars because they’ve lost a child to disease or accident.

Some still mourn a loss from decades past.

Some tell stories like a master.

Some are somber, quiet and drifting in and out of depression.

Some have lots of money, but are generous with it.

Some have little of anything.

Most of them, though, celebrate with joy.

They all are spiritual, though we do not all worship the same God.

What surprises me most in sharing time on Life’s Court with these friends, though, is that the way they play is how I played as a child:

They wake up eager to find new friends, new adventures.

They laugh. A lot.

They enjoy eating. Really enjoy eating. Without counting calories or worrying about the latest what’s-not-good-for-you blog posts they’ve read.

They don’t read what’s-not-good-for-you blog posts, in fact.

They cry when they feel like crying. Without shame.

They take naps.

They breathe. Often. And deeply.

They stop to look at sweeping vistas, sunsets, blooming flowers.

They feel. Whatever it is. They really feel what they’re feeling without fighting the emotions.

They are grateful.

They share their gratitude.

They pray — even in public — if that’s what the moment calls for.

They care about strangers, too.

They always have something for the offering plate, even if it isn’t much.

They dress as well as they can, but seek comfort.

They visit with others, even when it doesn’t seem they have the time.

They call people just to say hello.

They enjoy working.

They understand that work is not life, but a means to financing life.

They acknowledge failure.

They know how to apologize, then move on.

They acknowledge the years they’ve invested in learning to live well.

They are kind to animals.

They seek out children in a crowd, because they recognize kindred spirits.

They rarely worry about what will come.

They just put one foot in front of another.

They live simple.

And, they simply live.


Planting corn in Haiti, and the pebble in my sandal

ImageFour seeds, if you’re talking about corn. Two seeds if it’s congo beans. Those were my only instructions. The rest I figured out by watching Papa Luc as he planted one of his many gardens around Cherident.

Two men were working ahead, using pick axes to dig shallow holes about a foot apart. Our job, Papa Luc’s and mine, was to drop seeds in the holes and cover them. Papa Luc had a small stick to shove loose dirt back over the seeds.

I used my right foot.

I had a pebble in my sandal the rest of the day. I didn’t try to lose it. I wanted to remember that feeling — planting corn in Haiti.

I’ve been living and working in Haiti for 10 months now. It’s been a whirlwind. On my off days — when I’m in my comfortable apartment in Port-au-Prince — I remember and go through my many photos. And as I long to be back “out there”, out in the countryside with Haitian farmers not unlike Papa Luc.

But Papa Luc is special to me. I spent a month living with his family in Cherident, a small village along a ridge in the southern mountains, when I first moved here. My work is with FONDAMA, a Joining Hands network of grassroots farmer organizations. So before I began traveling the country to meet people from the 11 organizations, I needed time to live like a rural Haitian and study language and culture. And along the way, Luc Celestin and his grown children adopted me.

When I arrived for my month-long stay, it was early June. The cornfield beside the house was almost fully grown. We already were pulling ears of corn to eat – either dried and ground or roasted.

My first conversations with Papa Luc were slow-going. He doesn’t speak English, and I was becoming more comfortable with Kreyol. So we talked about a common subject — farming. I grew up on a farm in Augusta County. My father had what I was sure was the world’s largest garden. At least it felt that way when I was 8 and had to help plant peas, green beans, tomatoes, potatoes, onions, cucumbers, melons, carrots …. Early spring was for plowing the ground. Then Dad would level it out and begin hoeing the rows. I would help drop the seeds, carefully, and then cover them over with the hoe.

For corn, of course, Dad plowed, then dragged the fields smooth and attached the corn planter to the Massie Ferguson tractor. I would go with him to Eavers warehouse  to pick up the corn seed. It was in huge burlap sacks. When I was a preschooler, I remember Dad taking days off from his day job to plant corn, and I would go with him. While he worked with the tractor, I’d crawl up on those sacks of corn seed in the open trunk of the Ford Galaxy and doze while he worked.

I remember the sun and the breeze and the look of satisfaction Dad always carried that he was working his farm.

He loved that work.

And so does Papa Luc. A garden means food for your family — and if you have the land and resources for more seeds, it can help feed the community.

During my month stay, Papa Luc’s eight children each spent time with me. Many of them speak English, so while I was taking a break from Kreyol lessons, they taught me about the community. We went on long walks across the fields and hills around Cherident. Just about everywhere we walked, one would say: “That’s Papa Luc’s garden there.” Miles away on the other side of the ridge: “Papa Luc planted this field, too.”

And that is how I learned — talking and walking.

On evenings after supper, Papa Luc and I often would be the only ones still at the table. I would ask him about the crops he grew (corn, black beans, congo beans, white beans, pumpkin squash). I’d ask about growing seasons (two for corn, sometimes three for beans). And I would tell him about my father. I was learning language, culture AND getting a basic education about my work with FONDAMA.

After leaving Cherident, I began traveling the countryside to visit with the organizations. I met people in formal and informal meetings. I walked with them through their fields and visited their seed silos. But these were quick visits — usually only three or four days. The way I learn about how crops grow in Haiti is by visiting Cherident. I want to see entire growing seasons. At Cherident in June, the corn still was growing tall. By September and October, the stalks were brown. I missed the harvest season, but I know how it works — stalks are cut and gathered into bunches, then the bunches are raised far above the ground by a rope and pulley.

This past week, I had another opportunity to visit Cherident. A friend from Arkansas was there with a church group that partners with a nearby school. When I called Papa Luc to say I was coming back, he said he was planting corn. He graciously agreed to let me help the next morning. Though I was staying at the rectory and guesthouse, I was eager to work in the cornfield early Thursday morning. The group wasn’t going back to Port-au-Prince until about 9:30, so after breakfast, I set out to find him.

Lucson, Papa Luc’s oldest son, told me his Dad was working in the field beside Madame Pepe’s house. I took my camera with me, along with a water bottle.

The road through Cherident is wide and dusty. It didn’t take me long to find him. Papa Luc was down in a field with two workers. The workers walked ahead digging small, shallow holes in the rocky ground with pick axes, while Papa Luc dropped a few seeds into each hole and covered them back over.

I thought of the many fields he plants. Every seed. Every tiny seed. By hand.

It’s difficult not to remember my own father’s garden when I am in Haiti. So much is the same.

There is a joy in the backbreaking work of tilling land and nursing seeds to harvest.

“Four seeds,” Papa Luc said, using his thumb to separate four corn kernels from the handful he held. With a gentle flick, he dropped the yellow seeds into the hole, then used the stick he held in his right hand to cover them with dirt.

“Four seeds.”

He handed me half his handful, and I set to work on the unplanted holes, covering the seeds with my sandaled right foot.

In the upper part of the field, we planted congo beans along with the corn. I’d drop in two bean seeds; Papa Luc carried a handful of corn.

We worked steadily. The morning was cool. A slight breeze fanned us. The soil felt moist, but I know many people are concerned about drought this year. The northern part of Haiti had little rain throughout the winter. The government has had to bring in food for families there. The FONDAMA organization in the North have few seeds in their silos — the last season’s crop burned up from lack of rain.

No food. No seeds for the spring.

It’s a little better in the South, but not by much. We will wait and pray and see.

When 9:30 came, the vehicle taking us to Port-au-Prince stopped at the field so I could leave.

I kept the pebble in my shoe the rest of the day. I look forward to my next trip to the mountains to watch the corn and beans grow.

Please join with us in prayer for rain for all of Haiti. So much work is done — seed by seed — all by hand to feed this country. All we need now is rain.

We are all the Others, an opinion that matters

She only spoke a few sentences to me, but I remember them still. Her unwillingness to agree to be quoted, and her willingness to explain why not, taught me a lot about how we treat people and that treatment’s impact.

It was back in the days of print journalism. You remember. When if you wanted to read what was going on in the world or your hometown, you picked up a newspaper — either at your doorstep on in a box downtown.

The assignment is what we used to call “man on the street.” Sexist, I know. We should have called it “person on the street,” but it wouldn’t have been any less boring.

Who really wants to read what random people think?

Or, maybe we were just ahead of our time. Now when we log on to read our news — available fresh at just about any minute of the day — we click to read what lots of random people have to say.  

In those days, though, reporters would ask a simple question to anyone who agreed to participate, write down the answer on a reporters’ notebook and take a headshot to publish.

So, on this chilly fall or winter day in maybe 1989 or so, I was out on Beverley Street, the main thoroughfare in Staunton, Va. The question was mundane, something like, “What are your holiday plans?” or maybe “How much Christmas shopping do you have left to do?”

Most people in those days were gracious with their time, and they would stop to answer the question, though a few balked at having their photo taken.

It was cold out, and I wanted to get my half-dozen interviews done. I noticed two women approaching. They both were in their 60s, wearing well-worn coats and carrying purses. I stepped toward them and asked I could speak to them a moment. I introduced myself and said I worked at The News Leader.

They listened to me, and when I asked if I could interview them for a short piece in the paper, one of the women stepped back. She looked embarrassed. Instead of just saying no, she said, “No one wants to know what I think.” She had a downcast expression.

“Yes,” I said. “Yes, we do.”

I’ll be honest and say that I wanted to encourage her because I needed these interviews done so I could go back to the newsroom.

But I also was curious. I’d never heard this excuse before.

“Why wouldn’t we want to know what you think?” I asked her.

“I live back there,” she said. “The Stonewall Jackson. I am not the kind of person you want for the newspaper.”

It was one of those comments that stay with you.

The Stonewall Jackson Hotel, now once again a mainstay, upscale landmark in our beautiful hometown, was then a rundown lodging, a low-rent apartment house for people receiving assistance from the state. Many of them had been “deinstitutionalized” from the regional mental hospital. Others simply had no other place to go on their meager assistance checks.

Poor people, in other words.

The Others.

I tried to encourage her, but this time not because I needed my half dozen people. I wanted her to know that yes, people want to know what she thinks. That she matters.

And further, people need to know what she thinks.

But my words fell on deaf ears. Gripping the arm of her friend, she walked away. Maybe I imagined it, but I think her head bowed a bit more as she walked away.


So … why is this tiny memory lingering still?

Because so often in a day I read why people like this woman are reminded daily that what she said is true. That other people (we are ALL the Others, by the way) take cheap shots at what Others have to say. We judge their grammar, their statements, their opinions. We judge them by their addresses, their occupations, their statuses.

We judge.

And because we can toss out our opinions so easily, we just as easily can torpedo Others’ ideas of self-worth by rudely criticizing what they have to say.

To read Facebook threads and online comments, it appears we delight in knocking Others down, but I do not think there is delight in it. More likely, I think it’s a reaction to the last time we were knocked down or our fear that Others will knock us so we choose offense as a defense.

What struck me the most about this woman’s remarks is that because I either purposely or accidently missed what she thought must be obvious — that she lived in subsidized housing for the “downtrodden” — that she felt the need to correct me. That truly she was not worth my time. That truly her thoughts did not matter in the larger world. Someone, probably a lot of someones, had instilled that in her. The way we do when we cast about negative reactions to the vulnerable among us.

If I could see her again, these two decades later, I hope I would say, “you know what, ma’am? You are the one who is wrong. Many people in the world want to know what you think. You have the choice whether to share your thoughts, of course, but please never forget that it is your choice, not anyone else’s.”

As I write this, I also am reminded of the family who owned the Stonewall Jackson Hotel at the time. Allen Persinger Sr. purchased the grand building in the late 1960s when he left the U.S. Navy. The Persinger family operated it during tough economic times, but finally reverted it to a low-income rooming house. A contract with the state made room in it for many people who had been diagnosed with mental illness and others who received aid in their elder years.

The once stunning hotel had fallen into disrepair, until it was purchased by the city and a hotel chain and returned to an upscale lodging.

I’m reminded of Mr. Persinger, because when he died in February 2007, his family asked his memorial be kept private. He had become an important person in my life through a number of stories about his Beverley Manor High School Class of 1943 that he helped hold reunions once a year in those later years. He was a classy guy. We had a warm friendship. I was honored to have been asked to attend his graveside service.

And when I arrived at Thornrose Cemetery, I was delighted to find that the others invited to his private sending-off were his tenants, those who so many of us think of as the Others, but those who Mr. Persinger and people like him embraced as valued members of society.

I stood among many of them that chilly winter’s day safe in the knowledge that all of us are important, and our thoughts all are worthy.

The truth, as Mr. Persinger well knew, is that opinions are free and available. We do not have to listen to them, read them or see them.

But the better response is to disagree with the opinions, not  reduce the person. When we reduce the Others, we reduce ourselves as well.

And when we lift Others, we lift the world in which we live.

The Sunday I missed the offering plate

It was a marvelous Mass at St. Matthias Episcopal Church in Cherident, Haiti. This is my second hometown. It was where I spent an incredible month with the Celestins who would become my Haitian family.  And St. Matthias is our family’s church.

I have other connections as well. My home church in Fishersville, Va., has enjoyed a connection with St. Matthias for more than 30 years. Members of Tinkling Spring Presbyterian Church have visited Cherident, also known by its region, Grand Colline, and helped support both the church and the community’s schools. This would be the first celebration known as Fete St. Matthias, or Party of the Church, I would attend here, though.

In the Episcopal and Catholic traditions, the birthday of the saint for whom a church is named is celebrated with a gigantic party. People attend from all over Haiti. The hosting priest invites other priests, deacons and seminarians to lead the Mass. And the offering is not only a procession of worshipers to the plate in the front of the altar, but also a long line of parishioners offering agricultural products and flowers.

I not only brought something for the plate. I also brought my camera. And I was having a blast framing the colorful images in the lens and capturing the beauty and wonder of a celebratory worship.

That was how I missed the offering plate.

There must have been 700 people smooshed together under the wooden framed church. The permanent church still is under construction. It was destroyed in the Jan. 12, 2010 earthquake.

The priests and deacons and seminarians, all in their bright white and red vestments, stood crowded at the altar. When the music turned playful, as it often does in a Haitian worship, they danced and sang and connected.

There were too many people crowded in the small space for me to navigate with ease. In order to get photos of the women bringing their fruits of harvest to the altar, I would need to go around the church.

When I entered the street outside, I saw my sister Foun. She has a small booth making marinad, a fried dough, and serving it for sale. It’s how she makes a living. She rushed over to greet me again. People milled around the village. Some of them I recognized, most I did not. They all are beautiful.

The faces of Haiti never cease to amaze me. The children shine like bright gourdes – a light that reflects the sun. And when they smile? Be still my heart.

And the older people, of generations that have witnessed so much cruel history, always stop me in my tracks. Their memories must include those of horrible dictatorships, frightening changes in government and, of course, the impact of waves of mostly well-intentioned international organizations sending strangers into their lives.

Everyone I saw on Sunday made me think – of them, of their past, of how they live today. I wondered how they would live tomorrow. In this country, drastic poverty sometimes means Haitians will take the chances of boarding a small boat to any place. They will struggle to be anywhere but here where they no longer can afford to feed themselves.
This truth is everywhere I go — to the North where a drought has gone on for so long there are no seeds farmers can afford to plant this season, to the south where spring rains and storms will send torrents of water down the deforested hillsides and ripping out new crops, even to this southern mountain town where we celebrated the Party of the Church.

Haiti is at once beauty and pain and hardship and generosity.

But there never seems to be enough. And that’s where the offering plate comes in.

I made my around the side of the church, down the crowded main street through town and through the gate leading to the front of the church. The women already were lined up.

Each woman wore a white blouse and had tied bright scarves around her heads. They each carried a woven or plastic basket on their heads, and each basket they’d filled with fruits and vegetables and flowers.

It was a beautiful and solemn parade.

It was an offering for our God.

I pointed my camera at the line and the lens focused.


Another image, another focus, another click.

This was joyous work.

Then a woman who had been helping line up the others pulled me aside. She perched on a bench made from logs and pointed to herself, posing as she did.

I obliged. I took several photos of her. Then several other women asked me to take their photos. Then a jolly woman named Junia pulled a man into the frame and pointed to him and grinning. He posed as well. Soon we all were laughing.

Then a small boy not far away. Then an even smaller boy. Then the two of them together. Their grins got bigger. I was having fun.

When I turned to look again at the gate, I saw the older gentlemen. One man pointed at himself. Behind them, stood a most beautiful older woman. She ducked her head when she saw me.

The creases on her faces looked like art. Her eyes were bright, shining. She was shy, at first. I wanted to take take her photo, but I couldn’t if that wasn’t what she wanted.

I told her her face was beautiful. I told her I saw the beauty of Haiti in her face. She agreed to let me take her picture.

It was only later when I realized the image on her scarf was a butterfly.

Then a young boy approached. He looked me in the eye and pointed to himself — Fè mwen, he said. Take my photo.

When I asked him his name, he said something softly. I leaned forward and heard him say, “M grangou.” I’m hungry.

I hear this often. Many people are hungry in Haiti.

I work for the Presbyterian Hunger Program, but I struggle with this. I cannot help each one who tells me they are hungry. I cannot afford to feed them all.

Or can I?

Maybe on this day, maybe this Sunday, on this celebration of St. Matthias, the one who was chosen to take the place of the disgraced disciple Judas. Maybe on this day of all days, maybe I could find away to feed someone else.

As I walked away, the boy followed me. And together, we caught up with the beautiful older woman who stood waiting for us. She gave me a sad look. She was hungry, she said.

I asked them both to wait. I walked across the street where my sister Foun was standing at her food booth. I handed her the 500 gourdes I’d brought for the offering plate. Several people will be coming asking for food, I said. Can you feed them? She began grinning and pulled out the plastic bags for marinade and piklis.

I told the woman and boy where they could find a meal.

Mèsi, they said. Thank you.

Bondye beni ou, the woman added. God bless you!

And He has. God has blessed me in so many ways.

I cannot feed everyone. No one can alone.

But we can together. We can do this! We can share in this joy, this blessing of our beautiful world — together.

Let’s give it a try.


Delving deeper and stretching the Comfort Zone

An alleyway between houses in Cite Lucien, a community at Haut Turgeau in Port-au-Prince, Haiti.

An alleyway between houses in Cite Lucien, a community at Haut Turgeau in Port-au-Prince, Haiti.

Six months in, and it’s all becoming a bit more familiar. I am happy in my home in Port-au-Prince and in my neighborhood.

Most of the trips I’ve taken into the countryside have been to the southern parts of Haiti, and I am recognizing the roads, the shops, even some of the people along the streets.

When I visit a place for the second, third or fourth time, I am recognized, welcomed and embraced.

I am becoming comfortable, but there’s a problem with that.

Feeling comfortable here is one of my greatest fears.


Thankfully, as my life usually goes, something happened to dropkick me out of my comfort zone. It came on Friday, innocently enough as I prepared myself for a quick (I thought) photography gig as a favor for a friend. She wanted some photos of a new project somewhere in Port-au-Prince. The newsletter deadline quickly approached, and she needed it asap. I had Friday afternoon free and quickly obliged.

When the Landcruiser arrived to pick me up at Epi D’Ors, a bakery and restaurant on Delmas, arrived, I realized that no one I knew was in the vehicle. And the details about the assignment were sparse. But I was in for the ride.

And – as it turned out – the walk.

The region where the project will take place is called Haut Turgeau. It’s a zone along the mountainside in the southern part of the city. The vehicle drove toward the top of the hillside, then I was directed to get out and walk to the top.

I’ve often glanced up at those homes on the hillsides. They look like shabby ornaments that someone has hung on a wall. How do the people get back and forth? How do they live, I’ve wondered?

Well, Friday was the day I learned.

Sylvio and Ronel walked with me. They explained that we would be attending a meeting later, but we also needed to take photos of the deep ravines that run through these communities.

For more than two hours we walked through several hillside neighborhoods. Cite Lucien, Cite Georges, Cite Gabriel.

The homes — some of them made of stone and cement block, some of them tarps spread over wooden frames — are nestled together, constructed practically on top of one another. The alleyways are narrow, steeply inclined rock walls between houses with natural “stairs” of stones of varying heights.

Gravels on the smooth descending rock floors made the going even more treacherous. I adapted quickly enough to begin looking for safe places for each foot on my way down — and safe places in case I needed to reach out my hands. Safe is the operative word.

A dry rock here, a piece of plywood there. In many places the wooden poles were strapped to plywood or rusty corrugated tin roofing material with rusty barbed wire. In other places, razor wire was strung along these walkways.

And when I could stop to catch my breath, I’d catch glances of the residents there.

At first, dead stares. Some were curious, some seemed as if I were intruding.

I was. I didn’t belong there. I carried a camera.

Some returned my smile, responded to my greeting.

One woman looked particularly concerned for my welfare. I obviously was uncomfortable — hot, sweaty and, by this time, limping on occasion. My legs were already sore. I’d gotten a cramp in my calf, and my left knee was not happy.

I didn’t know it at this time, but I still had a long way to go. There would be more hillsides to climb, more long sets of stairs to traverse and more mazes of walkways around the sides of houses crowded together.

Before the assignment was done, I would walk down urban streets to catch a ride to the next community, walk so close to homes that I could hear women preparing vegetables using a pilon, a wooden mortar and pestle, for an inexpensive meal. I smelled dinner cooking and could see toddlers playing just inside doorways.

I would walk along paths so narrow and on mud so slick that the possibility of falling below into someone’s roof was a very real possibility.

And by the end I would recognize expressions of thanks on faces of these residents when they learned I was helping to tell their story.

“We don’t have any roads,” one woman told me as I greeted her in her home. “I can see that,” I replied.

“Cindy!” I heard as I walked up the last muddy path.

A woman trotted to catch up carrying the lavender bandana that had fallen from my camera bag.


They walk these walks every day.

They live so close to one another that they can hear their neighbors sneeze.

Their homes abut deep ravines that with the slightest rainstorm can send water rushing past.

They live without security from crime, natural disaster or environmental catastrophe.


By the time I got back into the vehicle that would take me home, I was tired and sore. I was covered with mud. I’d lost my eyeglasses.

My Creole was in rare form by this time. The guys in the truck joked and laughed with me. We exchanged email addresses. I was glad I was going home, but more than that, as physically difficult as the afternoon had been, I was glad I had gone.

My comfort zone once again was stretched. I was given a rare opportunity to see the lives of the people who live on those hillsides.

I am confident the projects will make a difference, but I know so much more needs to be done in this city, in this country.

I’ve seen poverty up close and personally in the countryside, but this was my first foray into destitute urban neighborhoods.

This was on Friday afternoon, and the spiritual pain has lingered in me just like the physical ailments. Just like muscles that suddenly are stretched and depended upon, my spirit can get flabby. Yes, even here, in a place like Haiti.

That is why I fear comfort, and even more, complacency.

I am grateful for Friday afternoon for the privilege of walking — even for an afternoon — the walk of our neighbors. To see into their lives for a moment, into their eyes for a time.

I cannot carry their needs if I cannot feel them, even for a short time.

It is discomfort that makes my prayers more powerful, that urges me to lift my voice and tell their stories.

Though the trip through Haut Turgeau is not a part of my work here, it opened my eyes — and my heart — even more. Poverty without a safety net at all is a scary proposition, yet that is what so many here are accustomed to.

With every walk alongside my neighbors here, I feel that fear, but only for a moment.

For the residents of neighborhoods like Cite Lucien, Cite George and City Gabriel, that fear is ever present.

The moody missionary finds grace

I’ve got to be honest. I mean, I’m a missionary, for goodness sake. I’m so very glad to have the opportunity to live and work in Haiti. I am blessed, and I know it. But sometimes …. well, sometimes it’s hard.

I have to catch myself when one moment I’m so excited for the opportunities I have, and the next, I’m homesick or sad or frustrated. And when I catch myself feeling like this, I have to remember that this is all part of it.

It’s supposed to be difficult. If I am God-sent, it’s not a vacation. Even when it feels like a vacation with the blue skies and sticky humidity and palm trees and gorgeous sunsets.

This is work. This is God’s work. And all will come as it should.

Oh, I was warned about the phases. I soared through the honeymoon part (who doesn’t?), and I braced myself when the first inklings of culture shock shook me. That part came in waves, so I was a bit more ready when it hit the second and 10th and 40th times. Not so much for my Haitian friends, though, when my moods bounced like a high-rise elevator on steroids. Poor them.

I struggle with patience (need more) and control (ain’t got much).

I struggle with feeling sorry for myself in a place where everyone — and I mean EVERYONE has an earthquake story. What am I crying about??!!!

I had another relevation the other night when a close friend told his earthquake story to a small group of us. I’d heard it before, but not directly from him. He kept his composure, on the outside, but I saw the grief. The pain. The lingering effects of what surely must deliver post traumatic stress symptoms whether recognized or not.

It’s not about me, I think, when I’m in an emotional valley. I need to buck up. I need to get a grip. I need to get back to work.

But you know what? It IS about me. It’s about me because I’m the one who is here in my body, in my brain and heart and spirit. I’m the one feeling what I’m feeling, and I think that’s the way God wants it.

God wants me to know I’m being molded and formed better into His image and into a physical, spiritual, emotional and mental shape to better do the work He sent me to do.

It’s not just about job descriptions and team-building and partnering. It’s about ME being the ME God wants HERE. It’s about me reacting and moving and relating to my brothers and sisters all over the world — in a way that shows He has a better plan for EACH of us.

I know God shakes His head when I pull my stunts. He sent a missionary to Haiti with all her faults and failings and a more than a touch of ADD. When I’m distracted, He changes my plans and moved around in me and hears me weep and He says:

“Go into all the world and proclaim the gospel to the whole creation.’” (Mark 16:15).

He didn’t say, “Be perfect.”

He didn’t say, “Make no mistakes.”

He didn’t say, “Pretend to be happy all the time.”

He said go and proclaim.

So I’ve come.

And the only way I can proclaim is to learn more about God’s grace and mercy every second.

And some of those best lessons, I’m finding, come when I’m fully spent and tired and frustrated.

Keep in mind that I have been more greatly affirmed for my willingness to take on this journey than at anytime in my life. And when I hear and feel and see others’ gratitude for my work, I am easily fooled in to thinking I’m the one making the difference. Again, I catch myself, and when emotions drop me to my knees, I am reminded that I am in as much — or even more — need of God’s care and grace than anyone. It is a grace that feeds me. It is a humility that restores me.

Yep, I’m that missionary that’s easily distracted, and God has a funny way of getting me back on track, and thank you, God, for your ways. I know I’m stubborn and that surrender doesn’t come easily. But it comes.

I might cry from time to time, but I know that:

“For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime. Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.”

Psalm 30:5.

And that, God knows, is all I need to know right now.

The difference between grangou and gou

Paul SinetteI start this by acknowledging that you, Dear Reader, might not like me much by the time you finish this.

I need to go ahead and tell you that I am not suffering for Jesus like you might have thought.

I’m certainly not suffering like I thought I might.

When I first imagined living in Port-au-Prince, like full-time, every single day, I envisioned a small cinderblock home with Spartan furnishings, little and unpredictable at that electricity and maybe a small cookstove. I would be hot, uncomfortable and likely lose weight.

One of three ain’t bad. I’m hot. But when I’m in my home on Delmas 75, I’m very comfortable. And the big secret I’m about to let you in on — her name is Paul Sinette — is one of many Haitians apparently determined that I not lose any weight.

My first inkling that I would have someone cooking my meals came back in March. I was visiting Haiti to attend a conference and look for a place to live. The first property owner I spoke with told me I needed someone to cook and clean for me.

I resisted this idea. I am coming her to serve, not to be served.

Oh, I had so much to learn. It took many conversations, a lot of healthy mental gymnastics and education, but I settled on the idea of at least considering hiring someone.

My first full month here was spent in the mountains with the Celestin family. That’s when I learned that if I was going to trim down, I’d have to start running every day. Three meals a day. Three full meals a day. And Papa Luc Celestin left orders with the family that my work there was to:

Practice Creole.


And eat. Manje anpil. Eat a lot.

He quizzed me when he came home from work. He quizzed the people who were serving my meals. And when I didn’t put enough food on my plate when I was eating with him, he added more.

His son Herns helped explain the desire to feed people when it’s possible.

“Haitian people eat a lot when they can because they don’t always know if they’ll get to eat again soon,” he explained.

So I ate, or at least tried to convince Papa Luc I had “manje anpil.”

It became a running joke, but thankfully I was a bit glad to be in charge of my own meals. Which were starkly American. And not that good. The first few weeks I wouldn’t use my cookstove, so I depended on sandwiches and salads. My first Haitian guests got ham and cheese sandwiches. They were not impressed.

That’s when my landlady shared with me an idea about interviewing Paul Sinette. By this time, I knew the mutual benefits of hiring someone to help me. It provides an income for a family, it will help with my Creole (everyone tells me that if I eat Haitian food, I’ll speak more like a Haitian) and, the most startling reason of all — I can have all this for less than what I paid for my cable bill in the U.S.

Meet Paul Sinette.

She’s maybe 30 years old, has two children and goes to church at 6 a.m. on Sundays so she can spend the rest of the day helping me. She’s funny, loves to help me learn Creole and, oh yeah, she’s a fabulous cook.

While I’m writing this, I’m sipping on fresh squeezed orange juice. For lunch I had barbecued chicken, rice and beans with a tangy pepper and onion sauce, macaroni and cheese (yes, you read that correctly) and a huge fresh salad.

She buys most of the fresh fruits and vegetables, along with vinegar, oils, rice, pasta and sugar, at the street market. But she also goes through my pantry to find those old standards I’ve collected. Saturday’s lunch included a fresh salad with spaghetti served with a delicious tuna salad. I could tell she disapproved of the tuna fish, but I think she just wanted to use it up.

That was also the same day I reached for a Coke in the refrigerator and she calmly told me she was making fresh juice (that one was lemonade) and that I could have the Coke later ….

I’m still adjusting to the routine, but I can tell you that when I’m traveling one of the best parts about home that I miss is Paul Sinette. And not just for her cooking.

On Wednesday, she told me in Creole that she wouldn’t be here on Thursday because she needed to go the funeral for her mother’s brother. Without even realizing that I had seamlessly comprehended her Creole, I said, “Oh, I’m sorry your uncle died.”

Her reaction? She high-fived me and said, “Bravo!”

She wants me to succeed. She wants to learn her language. She wants me to appreciate the food and culture and life that is Haitian.

And she is grateful that I’m here, and, I believe, not just because she has a job.

I’m not sure how I feel about employing someone to work in my home. It still feels odd to me, off-kilter and strangely guilty. I, who came to serve am served, and I who eat so well, live very closely to people who might not eat much at all.

The dichotomy jostles me, and I hope it always does. Haiti is known as a place where hungry people live, yet the food here is some of the most delicious in the world. Strangely enough, the Creole word for hungry is grangou. And the word for delicious is gou.

But as recently as the 1970s, Haiti was able to feed itself, depending on the production of peasants in the countryside selling their goods. It was only after extended political corruption and greedy international trade agreements that the situation turned tragic.

My work is with agricultural organizations hoping to reverse that trend and provide more food for everyone here. It’s ambitious work, but I know that many good people are ready for this challenge.

This morning when Paul Sinette arrived with her trademark smile and “bonjou,” I asked if she’d already been to church.

Yes, she said. “Mwen te priye pou ou!”

“I prayed for you!”

Among the rest of her prayers, I’m pretty sure she asked God to make sure I chose juice over Coke and to help me with my Creole.

My prayer was simpler. I just thanked God for sending me her.

Finding me among the masses

I still catch myself wanting to be a savior.

I know better, of course. I am in Haiti to work with farmer organizations, to share the stories of their work and to help advocate on their behalf. But getting started in the work is slow-going — my journeys out to meet with people from each group are spaced a few weeks apart, and my Creole still prohibits me from doing more of the planning myself.

So I practice my new language by settling into my new life in Port-au-Prince, sharing time and meals with friends here and learning patience. At least try to learn patience. It’s not easy, because as I am just figuring out, I am SO American. I like to set goals and see results. I like to control at least some of the things that will happen in my day. At the very least, I’d like to know what might happen in my day.

And this has not been the case.

So in three months, when I thought I would be well settled into a routine and begin the real work of being here, I’m just becoming acquainted with this new me. And one of the toughest parts of that is realizing that my ego gets in the way of pretty much everything I try to do. I do not like that sinking feeling when I catch myself wanting to save somebody.

I’m not talking about saving as in saving someone’s soul. If anything can show me just how naïve and unsophisticated my own spiritual faith, it’s spending time in a place like Haiti. I’m talking about “helping my neighbor” by giving them things. I’m on the verge of becoming that person I don’t like — you know, the one that when you just want to share your problems they want to “fix” everything. I don’t like that. And I don’t like this urge I have to “fix” stuff here.

For starters, I can’t.

I come from an ordinary town in Virginia. We have pockets of poor and a social system that’s more or less segregated. People with wealth socialize with similar people, and the poor gather in different places. I was fortunate to feel comfortable with people from all walks, and mostly I spent time in the middle. It’s easy to do in America — zoning laws take care of that. Our governments carefully zone neighborhoods by how much money someone has. Big houses with lots of lawn on in one area, and tiny plots of land with small houses fill other areas. We invest many dollars in the streets of some parts of a city, and other areas come last.

But in places like Haiti, though there are “better” neighborhoods and “slums”, you cannot avoid the poverty.

For a place where most people live on less than $2 U.S. a day, a lot of people are selling them things. Markets crowd into the street, and many families make a little extra by buying candy, household items and food to sell to other people.

These merchants are as poor as their customers.

Children, some as young as 7 or 8, walk among the vehicles on busy thoroughfares carrying rags. They will swipe the rag across the windshield and hope the driver will hand them a few gourdes.

I’ve started carrying small bills to hand out when I see them, but that doesn’t concern me. What bothers me is the way I feel when I hear their quiet thank yous.

God didn’t send me here to hand out change. I think he sent me here to help make a change. And I need the patience to wait for that chance.


When left to my own devices for too long, I can let a deep-seated sense of guilt take over. The words of Luke 12: 48 come to mind: “From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded.”

But the rest of that verse of Luke gives me the rest of what is required of me. “And from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.”

There’s nothing wrong with handing out a few gourdes to hard working kids. I know myself well enough that I will keep doing that. What I need to change is my motivation for doing so. I cannot respond to the needs of the economically poor to enrich my spiritual poverty. I need to find that place in which I am with my brothers and sisters, sharing with them the good and the bad and together, finding God’s grace. This is a big task to accomplish in the singular glance between a child standing the heat with a dusty cloth and me in the comfort of a shiny vehicle. I want that child to see the face of someone who cares deeply about his circumstances, who wants to work toward a larger change that will mean he’s at him home being a kid, not working the dangerous streets to help feed his family. Only then can I honestly give him a small wage for his work and accept his thanks — not with pleasure at my giving, but with pleasure for our exchange.

I am blessed to live here, and I am more blessed to work here. The work of my assigned mission will come, but until then, my work is in the day-to-day: Nurturing friendships with the people around me, accepting their gifts of openness, advice and companionship, sharing meals that I provide and those of my friends and learning everything I can about this place that God and I so love.

And a part of that work is carefully discerning this new me that is being molded here, watching and listening for clues that I’m going off path.

It’s a beautiful journey, though it’s sometimes hard.

I’m not saving anyone in Haiti, but I can feel the saving grace I’m finding here. It’s beneath my wings.

I am blessed, and I am glad you are here with me.